Devastation brings out good.

This is the first time in 10 years that I WRITE. And I’m a writer!! in passion and in trade.

I have felt this level of pain and devastation before before, but only once.

My Mom was 63 years old, when a traumatic death of her sisters son, died a tragic death in Guadalajara, Mexico-. He fell off the roof of one of his restaurants, and hit concrete- he didn’t survive two days. Her and I flew down for the funeral. Once week later she is so deathly sick- she barely could fly back home. My younger brother had to pick her up in Chicago- and drive her home to Detroit because she was too weak. She was intubated and died in my arms 4 months later from Acute Myeloid Leukemia. I saw my mother body get riddled with a virus due to the improper cleaning and relocation of her Pick Line. I confirmed this while she was in ICU. — my dad mandated the three of us to be the soldiers and be on watch . So we did.

My older brother and younger brother took turns with rotations to give my dad a break so he could rest. All the while he has A-Fib- and it was acting up. At one point I had my dad in the ER because he thought he was going to have a heart attack- he told me it felt like a bird was in his chest trying to get out. I remember running — from one end of the bowels of the University of Michigan Hospital hallway- clear across the other floor up 15 flights of stairs to my mother in ICU. Who was the sickest person in the entire hospital- the head Doctor told me that in those exact words. She died April 28, 2011. Next year is 10 years. My mom’s youngest brother, my Tio Jaime, helped me through this tragedy step by step, helped me through how to let her go. I remember fighting a lot with doctors — I remember when the head doctor over all doctors and his staff set the conference up where we got to decide how to let my mother die. This story has never been told much, here n there to those who would listen. I have never written down one word about how it broke me, I barely spoke of her, the how of how it all went down- it was too hard. I have kept it bottled up, I now realize how that part of my seclusions hurt me even more.

What I have realized is that devastation can bring out good. If we let it, instead of the reverse. A Pandemic can bring out the worst in people, but it can also bring out the good. Harmony can happen. I have seen it. For me, the change in circumstances, and the change in my job, the change with my boys, all of it made me realize that now more than ever, i need to be the best part of me. I have lost myself over a death of someone who isn’t even here anymore. I relished in the loss and consumed myself with so much pain that I lost sight of what was truly most important — those that are here now.

Somehow this Pandemic has ELEVATED me. I see things differently — i still need to dig down deep at times, but I know now I won’t lose sight of who I who I am. Covid pulled me out of a struggle with depression. A depression I’ve always had, but exploded when my mother died.. That event devastated me, my dad and my two brothers more profound- than anything we could have ever imagined in our lives, until now.

The loss of her had catapulted me into a downward spiral into rock bottom. My own version of Rock bottom. Somewhere I should have never allowed myself to go. But I did. Everyone has a different level of Rock Bottom. Rock Bottom is Rock Bottom. When you are at Rock Bottom, its bad no matter what the circumstance was that got you there. E Coli riddled my mother of a bacteria she got in the hospital she went in one month, and four months later she was gone. She with a room full of Fifty people, all singing Puff The Magic Dragon. We were all jammed into the small icu room. It was something beautiful, how she went. I remember writing a blog about her death, as it happened — because so many of her family and friends needed updates, especially her brother and sisters in Mexico. I remember there was a man who would come in to her room and play the violin or guitar. She loved music, anytime he was walking the halls, she called him and asked him to play songs. So when it was her last seconds .. the guitar man asked my dad- “what song would you like me to play for Reyna”, and he looked down for a moment — and thought for a second, then replied ‘puff the magic dragon’ and we all said goodbye to her that way. I remember how much my mom loved that song. A show my mom, dad, and brothers would watch together. We all started to sing. We all said goodbye that day- April 28,2011. It wasn’t until long after that I relized that song was about a dragon with his head bent in sorrow, green scales fell like rain — it was about the dragon losing his soul mate, his companion, his friend. The choice of that song to my dad was far more than just a fairytale song, it had depth, more depth than I ever realized.

It all doesn’t seem like it should make sense, but tragedy and pain hits to the core of human beings. It makes us do crazy things. There is loss and grief. But there is also an opportunity to look yourself in the mirror and decide to do something — be something or to change something— for me, I decided to write something.
Decide to write something.

The Outbreak of Covid, All the deaths, events, mistakes, disasters, errors, miscommunication, lack of judgement, bad process , no process — —, and then all the good that happened, is still hard to wrap my head around.

It took a major world disaster to uncover me from the depths of grief.

Sometimes you have to be blow down to the core of your own humanity to WAKE UP.

It took me a long time to get over her. The word GRIEF doesn’t come close to describing the pain that it feels. Grief broke me and is breaking many right now. The entire world is feeling the same level pain and loss.

The current events and disaster, made me want to stop being my own worst enemy. For almost ten years I was bottle up and set up on a shelf. All parts of the creative me died that day with her. She taught me how to draw, she was an artist, My family comes from a lineage of artists, its in my genes, and i covered it all up because the pain was too severe anytime I would pick up a paint brush or pencil. It hurt too much, instead of seeing the beauty of the gift i have been given. I couldn’t see clear. My life was blurred. I didn’t know how to go on living life everyday, learning to live life without her. The realization for me was that, art and painting and crying is part of healing. Part of letting go. The loss of life killed me from the inside out but people can survive grief. I had to really see what was right in front of me, my three boys, my brothers, family and friends that are still here now. What I realized was I was Puff the dragon and lost my way — lost sight of what truly most important.

I have been Awaken.

Puff (The Magic Dragon)

Puff, the magic dragon lived by the sea
And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called Honahlee
Little Jackie paper loved that rascal puff
And brought him strings and sealing wax and other fancy stuff oh

Puff, the magic dragon lived by the sea
And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called Honahlee
Puff, the magic dragon lived by the sea
And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called Honahlee

Together they would travel on a boat with billowed sail
Jackie kept a lookout perched on puff’s gigantic tail
Noble kings and princes would bow whene’er they came
Pirate ships would lower their flag when puff roared out his name oh

Puff, the magic dragon lived by the sea
And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called Honahlee
Puff, the magic dragon lived…

Puff, the magic dragon lived by the sea
And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called Honahlee
Puff, the magic dragon lived by the sea
And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called Honahlee

A dragon lives forever but not so little boys
Painted wings and giant rings make way for other toys
One grey night it happened, Jackie Paper came no more
And puff that mighty dragon, he ceased his fearless roar

His head was bent in sorrow, green scales fell like rain
Puff no longer went to play along the cherry lane
Without his life-long friend, puff could not be brave
So Puff that mighty dragon sadly slipped into his cave oh

Puff, the magic dragon lived by the sea
And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called Honahlee
Puff, the magic dragon lived by the sea
And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called Honahlee

Songwriters: Leonard Lipton / Peter Yarrow

Puff (The Magic Dragon) lyrics © Warner Chappell Music, Inc, BMG Rights Management

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