One foot forward

I really never thought I was the type of person to start a blog. Especially one with Proper Capitalization. Everyone who knows me well knows I *love* the lowercase aesthetic. But here I am.

Ever since I was young, I hated writing — or at least I thought I did. A combination of mediocre English teachers, my inability to communicate any ideas that weren’t clearly right or wrong, and the endless number of boring essay topics assigned in school steered me as far away from writing as possible.

Since then, I’ve realized that 1) writing isn’t all that bad and 2) it’s a pretty important skill to have in the twenty-first century. I wouldn’t call myself a good writer, or even a writer at all, but I do want to write and maybe then I’ll get better at it. So, in an effort to start a writing habit, I’ve decided to start a blog and record some of the random thoughts that float around in my mind.

Here are the 4 main reasons I’m starting to blog:

I’ve realized that I’m quite bad at putting thoughts into words. I can talk about small, everyday things like the weather, classes, tv shows, etc. with no problem. But, as soon as the topic gets even a little bit deeper, my words disappear and my communication skills resort back to some nodding and awkward facial expressions. I want to be able to adequately describe how I feel about life, relationships, responsibilities, perspectives on the world, grief, decisions, and anything else.

I also realized that I have a tendency to write super colloquially (I really fought the urge to title this post as ‘hey what’s up hello welcome to my blog’). But no one wants to read a long piece of text with no capitalization, no punctuation, a bunch of ‘idk’ ‘lol’ and ‘omg’s, and frankly I don’t need any more practice with that. Hence, the decision to write properly here with (somewhat) correct grammar.

During my semester abroad, I’ve had the time to do some self reflection and think about who I am as a person and who I want to be. It’s hard for me to put into words what I’ve learned about my character, but in short, I’ve realized that I’m a rather wishy-washy person and I haven’t really taken any risks in my life.

So I’m trying to change.

This whole blogging thing is going to be a real challenge for me. First of all, writing is scary. Writing requires you to have something to say, something worth writing about. Who am I to say that my ideas are worth being put out there on the Internet? Then again, who am I to say that they’re not? (side-note: a prime example of the back and forth banter that constantly occupies my mind).

When you write, you have to commit to a thought and stand by it enough to walk others through it. For an extremely noncommittal person, that’s a whole lot of commitment. There’s a lot of fear that runs through my mind — what if everyone disagrees with what I think, what if I explain things wrong, what if I offend people, what if I make no sense, what if I come across in a way I didn’t intend, the list goes on. The way I used to handle this was to just not share my opinions on anything, and somewhere along the way, I stopped having real opinions altogether.

To clarify — when I talk about opinions, it’s not the trivial stuff like where to eat for dinner or what color shirt to buy. I’m talking ideas like whether social media is harmful to society, how to improve the higher education system (in what ways is it broken?), how my upbringing affects my perspectives on life, and so much more.

I realized my indifference was also a byproduct of a lack of attention to things that were going on in the world. It was just easier for me to put my head down and focus on my schoolwork, my friends, and my own life. I don’t want that to be the case anymore.

By writing, I’m challenging myself to stay curious about the world, to strive to stay up to date with things that are happening as well as explore what has already been thought of. Whether it’s books, articles, Medium posts, subreddits, YouTube commentary, or whatever else, I want to pay attention to other people’s narratives.

On top of all that, I want to learn to be more self-assured and grounded in my beliefs. Posting to a public blog is quite daunting. When you post, your words are out there f o r e v e r. For people to read, judge, agree with, disagree with, or do whatever. I’m using this is a lesson to be more confident in myself, to put my thoughts out there and accept that I can’t please everyone or control how other people respond. As much as I hate to admit, I care about what people think of me, so this will be a work in progress for a while.

Baby steps.

I have the memory of a goldfish. If you asked me what I ate for breakfast yesterday, nine times out of ten the answer would be ‘I have no idea’. (Actually, it’d probably be that I didn’t eat breakfast, but that’s not the point.)

As the heading suggests, I’m blogging as a way to document how I’m feeling at this point in life. I’m not going to be a college senior forever, and I think it’d be fun for my future self to look back on what was going through my head right now.

Although I’m starting this blog for myself first and foremost, I do hope it’s relatable in some way for other people. I’m not sure what exactly I’ll be writing about, but it’s a strange yet exciting time in my life right now, and I hope at least some of my insights / hopes / fears / dilemmas / experiences are shared by others.

I’m always open to hearing what people have to say, and I’d love to know that I’m not the only one who thinks a certain way (or maybe I am), but please don’t hesitate to reach out if anything resonates with you!

With that, we’ve come to the end of my first post! If you’ve made it this far, props to you. I’m excited to see where this journey leads and I hope you’ll come along for the ride.

In the works: a piece on a *big* life decision (ok maybe not that big but pretty big for me) and some reflections on my study abroad experience ~

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