The boy who loved

Hiya

For someone who is so set on writing a blog I’m terrible at actually getting around to it. Mainly because I don’t really know what I’m meant to write about. I wanna write about something that’s worthwhile and meaningful. And while I lay here on my Saturday night I had a lightbulb moment and thought about what I really want to write about and it’s not a something but a someone. Someone who holds a very special place in my heart and always will.

Throw back to about 2009. Avondale heights footy club. One shaggy haired, surfer/emo dude. I never knew back in those days that this boy would come to mean so much to me. That he wasn’t just going to be a friend of the past but a friend forever. I was one of the people who were lucky enough to watch him blossom from a shy young boy to a beautiful and gracious man. A man who’s smile would light up a room. Whose laugh was contagious. A man who no one could ever say a bad thing about. He was someone I clicked with instantly and it never mattered how long we’d been apart, that bond was always there. He also watched/ helped me grow into the person I am today. His wisdom and his strength was beyond words. The memories are endless.

If I had to write down all of them I wouldn’t even know where to start.

The time I got locked in his toilet for a solid 20 minutes. Him trying his hardest to get me out when it turned out the whole time I was just turning the door handle the wrong way (Classic me). Walking out of there and looking at that ‘I’m not even surprised that this has happened to you’ look on his face.

The countless times we’d all sit in hungry jacks after school. Majority of the time not even eating. Just sitting there, causing havoc and talking shit.

Every Friday night at the footy club. The laughs, the tears and the dramas.

Every Thursday night at lucky. The shots, the tears, the dramas. And the most deep and meaningful conversations that two people could have. Screaming in each others ears over the loud music and the slurring words.

You did my head in at the best of times and there were times you made me want to bang my head against a brick wall. But in that aspect, I know the feeling was definitely mutual.

There is a selected few memories that will never ever fade (a couple very sad). The day you came into see me at work to tell me you’d gotten your test results and it wasn’t good news. From there our friendship changed. As time went on and your diagnosis got worse. I pushed you further away. That is something that I will never forgive myself for. The thought of anything happening to you was too hard for me to bare. So I pushed it aside and I blocked it out. ‘It’s fine, he’ll be fine’.

Thinking back to those times really breaks my heart. Because I should have been there more and I should have tried. I should have been the friend to you that you were to me. But I have peace in knowing that you full well understood my distance and you didn’t love me any less. Because that’s who you were. Despite everything that you had to go through, you were still there for everyone else. You were still everyone’s shoulder to cry on. You always understood.

The day before I left for Thailand is one day that I’ll never forget. Walking out of that hospital I knew I’d never have the chance to see your smile or hear your voice again. I wanted to hug you and never let go. To tell you what you meant to me and beg you stay. I wanted to cancel my trip and stay there. But I knew that’s not what you wanted. Because you wanted me to be happy, you wanted me to live my life. Because that’s the man you were.

The first Thursday night of the trip, I dreamt of you. We were at a festival and I was walking through the crowd and suddenly you appeared. All shaggy haired in a band tee. Just like the good old days. You hugged me the tightest you ever had and you didn’t let go. I woke up Friday morning feeling happy and but a bit confused as to why I’d had such a dream. The next day I found out why. That dream meant goodbye.

It was Saturday morning (afternoon in Aus), and we were chatting. I was upset about a boy (as always) and you were consoling me. Telling me the next time you saw him he’d cop it for hurting me. I told you I loved you and you said you loved me too. Later that night I got the message I’d been dreading. You were gone. Sitting in a dingy motel in rural Thailand, with 10 strangers, it was like time had stopped. The room was spinning. I was sick to my stomach. No matter how much warning you have, you can never be prepared enough for that.

Over a year has now passed but the pain is still the same. But as time passes, it gets easier to smile and laugh about our memories without the hurt creeping in. Your passing is the definition of ‘gone but not forgotten’. Not a single person who knows you or loved you has forgotten. Your spirit lives today and it will live forever. I constantly find myself thinking ‘he would know what to say’ or ‘He would love this’. So many things have happened that only you would appreciate.

Your legacy lives in us all. When we grow up (eventually) we’ll tell our kids about you. About the amazing friend you were.

I hope that everyone who never got to meet you has someone like you in their life.

There is not one single day that goes by where I don’t miss you. And yeah it’s sad but I feel so lucky to have had someone in my life that is so hard to miss.

‘How lucky am I to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard’

Thankyou for being the person you were. You make me want to be better, to do better. I could hold you accountable for a lot of things. My liking of punk music, my alcoholic behaviour, the many Thursday/ Saturday nights I blacked out and made a mess of my life. But the one thing you’re most accountable for, is the meaning you brought and continue to bring into my life.

Thankyou my friend, my brother, my hero. I find peace knowing you’re by side.

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